SHEP'S ARMY: BUMMERS, BLISTERS, AND BOONDOGGLES, Opus Books. Nearly three dozen of Shepherd's army stories never before in print introduced and transcribed. Foreword by Keith Olbermann. (published August 2013)


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JEAN SHEPHERD Kid Stories & (138) ARTSY Brief New York Encounters

And these people live out their lives hardly able to talk to each other except by sign language.  The movement of the ground up and down.  The sound is so all-inclusive and the smell is so all-inclusive that the entire world of the steel mill is a self-contained world.  Almost like a great globe of bubble-gum containing everybody within it.  Sound.  Smell.  And work and sweat and dirt, safety goggles, danger all the time.  Danger.  Always the little feeling way down deep in the pit of your brain that any minute now, something’s going to run over you, something’s going to pour or something’s going to explode or something’s going to blow a fuse or one of the wires is going to break, or one of the cables is going to fray, and always that fantastic salad of enormous machinery boom boom boom.  Wow!

I’m walking on down, I’ve had my ice cream and now I’m in the office.  And now—whenever I think of the word office, there’s a warm quality to the word office.  An office is kind of a home.  But this is a different kind of office, an industrial office, an office in a steel mill.  And it was my first night working in that office.

I walked down to the far end and here is this steel door on the wall of the building.  I open it up and I am now in the office where I am going to spend the next week working with these men.  And all three of them look up at me.  It’s three o’clock in the morning.  They’re wearing corduroy hats.  Hunting caps.  Red, green, brown.  They’ve got these grimy desks and you could smell this coffee.  The coffee pot that had been on since they probably first began to make steel in America.  This coffee pot had been started roughly five years after the first Pilgrims had landed.



Brief New York Encounters


Sometime in the early 1960s I found Brother Theodore.

It may have been through an ad or review.

I was captivated by the intensity of his eyes.

I attended his monolog once in a small Village performance space. The unnumbered chairs were loose, on the same level as he, and the front row was about four feet back of his small table–I believe I grabbed the seat front row center. The theater was without light, he wore all black and there was a round spotlight on his upper body. There are a few color photos of him, but the black ones do him more justice. (He might have preferred to have it said, “More injustice.”) I just remember one thing he said that night—words to the effect that: “People don’t know what’s behind the beyond. Most people don’t even know what’s beyond the behind.” He has been quoted as having said many other things of some import:

♠ It is fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong. ♠

♠ The only thing that keeps me alive is the hope of dying young. ♠ (He died at 94]

♠ As long as there is death there is hope. ♠

♠ Only what we have lost forever do we possess forever. ♠

♠ Only when we have drunk from the river of darkness can we truly see. ♠

♠ Only when our legs have rotted off can we truly dance. ♠

♠ The best thing is not to be born. But who is as lucky as that?

To whom does it happen?

Not to one among millions and millions of people. ♠

Theodore Gottlieb, Dark Comedian, Dies at 94


Theodore Gottlieb, who as Brother Theodore performed apocalyptic one-man shows about life, death and broccoli in Greenwich Village nightclubs to dazzling and disturbing effect, died yesterday at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan. He was 94.

Mr. Gottlieb, with his wild white hair shining under the lights and with a demonic glint in his eye, was in his element at the 13th Street Theater, where he performed for nearly two decades, until a few years ago.

His only prop was a table, behind which he would sit when he wasn’t stalking around it or plopping on top of it. In his sonorous, German-accented voice he flirted with the meaning of life ….

He called his act stand-up tragedy.

Brother Theodore, who flaunted a sophistication learned in the Berlin of the 1920’s, told audiences, ”I’ve gazed into the abyss and the abyss gazed into me, and neither of us liked what we saw.”

According to his biography, his wealthy Jewish family had been taken to a concentration camp by the Nazis. He was told that if he signed a paper giving over all of his family’s wealth, he’d be given one mark and his freedom. He did this and was freed, understanding that his family might also go free. But they were all killed in the camp.

No wonder that his humor was so mordant.

It is even more of a wonder that it was also so very funny.


 Sometime in the early 1960s I found Moondog.

I was walking toward New York’s Museum of Modern Art, and there,

standing on the southeast corner of 6th Avenue and 54th Street,

was a tall man in what I remember was a red cape

and what appeared to be a Viking helmet.


I stopped and talked to him. I found out that he was blind and that he stood there for hours every day for years. He would talk to whoever spoke to him.  He had a leather pouch hung from his neck that held papers with poems that he’d written. I bought several. I think I asked him if he considered himself some sort of symbol or metaphor standing there, but I don’t remember his response.

I found out that he gave performances in a small indoor space downtown. I took two friends to see him read his poems. We found that he also performed music he had composed on instruments he designed.

Later I learned that he was referred to as “The Viking of 6th Avenue,” and that his given name was Louis Hardin, Jr. and that he could be found on that or adjacent street corners daily for decades. Recently I discovered that there are recordings of his music and that he was a highly regarded composer, numbering among his admirers Philip Glass, Charlie Parker, Charles Mingus, and others.

He was born in Kansas in 1916 and died in Germany in 1999.

He is quoted as having said:

“I am an observer of life, a non-participant who takes no sides.

I am in the regimented society, but not of it.”



JEAN SHEPHERD Kid Stories & (137c) BRIEF ENCOUNTERS: Happenings. Warhol. Velvet Underground. Fluxus. Films.

You’d smell fish and smell the water and smell the north woods.  You’d also smell diesel oil, you’d smell electricity-charged ions that were floating around from the exploding relays and you could smell the heat from over-heated coppering.  You could smell the smell of heating asbestos, you’d see once in a while the great exploding flash in the air when somebody off in the distance at an open hearth had tapped another heat.

I’m walking way out into the water.  This was the first time I was really on my own in the mill.  No longer am I connected with this labor gang, I’ve been sent down on my own to the far end, the shipping end of the forty-inch soaking mill.  I’ve been through this particular mill before but this is the first time now I’m going to do a job.

Right in the middle of the forty-inch soaking pit building they had a steel mill commissary.  Picture this scene.  It’s all night work, and steel workers at three o’clock in the morning are in this little room that’s painted battleship gray metal.  They’re all sitting close together.  Maybe a hundred-and-fifty of them all jammed in this tiny overheated room eating ice cream out of big soup bowls.  Tremendous soup bowls of strawberry ice cream, and drinking black coffee.  And they are covered with dirt and crud and grease, and half of them you can hardly see their eyes because they’re looking out of this thick coating of dust and grime and crud.  And they’re sitting there shoveling in this strawberry ice cream and wearing their blue safety goggles up on the top of their head, and all around them you can just feel the ground moving up and down.  It’s the first thing that hits you about a steel mill—once you’ve felt it all around you, you’ll never forget it.  There’s the tremendous vibration of moving cranes, this almost subterranean earthquake, the sound of the rolling mill which is right next to you turning out the one hundred inch plate.




In early 1964 I’d just begun to write short film reviews for a small newsletter at which a friend of mine worked. I wrote about a variety of intelligent films such as: Genet’s Un Chant D’amour; Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb; Bergman’s The Silence; and Louis Malle’s Zazie Dans le Metro, about which I commented that this frantic and delightful work, dealing in reality vs. illusion, for its comic effects used techniques of the film medium itself such as slow motion, fast motion, quick cutting.

Many of the “intellectual” and experimental films of the 1960s that I was aware of were just artistic creations and were not sexual in nature. As I put it:

Exciting (erotically, visually, aesthetically) things are being done on film these days….The films include experiments with abstract shapes, comments on contemporary life, and an occasional venture into pure poetry.

But, unexpectedly, one film I saw was outrageously weird and sexual (partly played in by hermaphrodites)—Flaming Creatures (1963) by Jack Smith. I’d had no idea what I was walking into when I sat down and it  appeared on the screen. Seeing it in an early screening of it in March, 1964, I exited the small theater on St. Marks Place shocked, disturbed, and unbelieving. As I continued west toward Astor Place I noted police cars pulling up to the theater and I realized that it was a pornography raid—then I saw, hurrying toward the theater, the film’s promoter, Village Voice’s experimental-film critic, Jonas Mekas. I warned him that the cops were raiding the place and he said something to the effect that he might as well go there now rather than being accosted later. I wrote about the film twice in the little newsletter, saying in part:

It is a parody of romantic love in the movies….It is a love song to the world of romantic fantasy that Hollywood once created, and that it and the public have now rejected in favor of less romantic illusions. Note that Smith recognizes and attacks the fantasy, yet mourns its loss….The beautifully photographed under and over exposure, the fuzzy shots and unsteady camera, serve the film’s purpose perfectly and should have been described [by me] as anti-Hollywood-slickness rather than as anti-artistic.

“Our Infamous Surprise Program” = Flaming Creatures.

I found out about the obscenity trial and thought it would be interesting to see. (At the time, I was spending a couple of months without a job–working on the first draft of my first unpublished novel.) From the audience, I saw among others there to testify/defend the work, poet Allen Ginsberg and critic Susan Sontag (The New York Times–“In Miss Sontag’s best essays she is doing something really new, attempting to decipher and describe her own sensibility in relation to new cultural phenomena….”). Sontag, in her book of reprinted essays, Against Interpretation, published her extensive, enthusiastic review of the film:

…in defending as well as talking about the film, I don’t want to make it seem less outrageous, less shocking than it is.

…amateurishness of technique is not frustrating, as it is in so many other recent “underground” films. For Smith is visually very generous; at practically every moment there is simply a tremendous amount to see on the screen….,there are no ideas, no symbols, no commentary on or critique of anything in Flaming Creatures.

Flaming Creatures is a triumphant example of an aesthetic vision of the world and such a vision is always, at its core, epicene.

Among witnesses for the defense, because only Sontag’s words were in published form, only she was allowed to speak.  It took the three judges about fifteen minutes to find Jonas Mekas and the other defendants guilty.


JEAN SHEPHERD Kid Stories & (137b) ARTSY BRIEF ENCOUNTERS: Happenings. Warhol. Velvet Underground. Fluxus. Films.

They’d ring a bell.  You were allowed three minutes in the pit and they’d pull you back up on the rack and you’d sit there for five minutes.  Five minutes up and three minutes down all day long.  Sounds like a great job, doesn’t it?

I’m a cool seventeen-year-old, I’m a grizzled, hardened worker in the forty-inch soaking pits when, as I’m about to go to work one day, my foreman  calls me into the office and says, “Listen, I’m going to send you down to the shipping end.  Don’t suit up today.  I want you to wear safety shoes, a hard hat, asbestos gloves, and a pair of blue safety goggles.”

I take my lunch bucket while the other guys are getting their asbestos suits on and their oxygen inhalants, and I go clunking down toward the shipping end, that was a good two miles away.

And I’m walking along through the great racks of roaring relays that are exploding and booming. Because all of this mill is electronically operated by some monster, some King Kong somewhere, and every five minutes you’d see this whole bank of relays go tuummm!  Booom booom! And the sparks would fly out and more ingots would come moving down on the overhead cranes through the darkness, and I’m moving out into the Lake.  This forty-inch soaking pit mill stuck out into the Lake on a long peninsula that had been built out of slag, and because it was way out in the Lake you could smell the fish.  This strange combination of total machinery and complete nature.




I was not all that sure of what “pop art” meant as far as art was concerned, but Warhol’s quirky mind fascinated me, and I liked the way he seemed to focus on getting observers to pay more attention to the everyday world that is their environment. It seems somewhat related to Happenings and Fluxus. I would include in a descriptive name for his work, “Conceptual.”

I went to an early show of his at the Leo Castelli Gallery. I remember it as consisting of an almost empty room—on the wall there were large images of cows plastered like wallpaper. In the middle of the room there were about a dozen pillow-sized-and-shaped, floating metallic silver objects referred to as “Silver Clouds.” Nobody went anywhere near the floating balloons. They must have been intimidated by the “art.” I decided that the floaters were meant to be interacted with, so I went up and began flicking some of them to get some more action. Decades later I found out that one was expected to do this.

At an experimental film showing, I saw Warhol’s film, “Eat,” featuring artist Robert Indiana and a cat. It lasted about 40 minutes. About 15 minutes into it, people began leaving—obviously bored and annoyed. What I saw was visually interesting—close up of artist Robert Indiana, seated; with large-brimmed hat; eating something (later I encountered it described as a mushroom). Texture of sweater; tall thin potted plant in background (nature) echoed by carved floral motif in wooden chair back (manmade); curious cat jumps on him and stays for a short period, seems bored, jumps off. The whole thing, apparently, a means to get one to concentrate—to focus one’s vision– on a simple human occurrence–like a Zen experience. I appreciated it.


I’d not heard of “The Velvet Underground” when I went to a small theater in the basement of an office building on 42nd Street just west of 6th Avenue, expecting to see some experimental films. I sat in the center, about the eighth row, and was surprised to see Salvador Dali and his wife, Gala, come in and sit about three rows in front of me. The lights went down, the show began–on came a rock band, in an early presentation of Warhol’s “The Velvet Underground” with Nico and Lou Reed. (Never heard of them either.) They intrigued me enough so that the next day I rushed to a record store and bought their album for the list price of about $4.00. The cover, white with a removable yellow banana peel, under which was an obscenely pink, naked banana. Decades later, no longer having the means to play LP records, I took it to a used-record dealer, who gave me $150.00 for it.

END PART 2 of 3


JEAN SHEPHERD Kid Stories & (137a) ARTSY BRIEF ENCOUNTERS: Happenings. Warhol. Velvet Underground. Fluxus. Films.

More Soaking Pit

They would lower it down into the pit, which was a big hole in the ground about fifteen feet deep, and the white-hot ingot was maybe ten or fifteen feet long and about four or five feet square.  Solid, white hot metal that would clank when it hit the bottom kaboooom.  They’d release it and you’d see steam rising and a tremendous shimmer of heat coming out of the pit.  It would be lying at the bottom of the pit with maybe eight or nine other red-hot ingots.  They were down there so they would slowly cool because if they cooled too fast there would be millions of tiny crack and the whole composition and strength would change.  Nearby were maybe fifteen or twenty other pits with ingots in other stages of cooling.

My job, with about ten other guys, was to be lowered into these pits wearing asbestos suits, an oxygen inhaler in my helmet, and wooden shoes.  With a special scraper we had to scrape the slag off the red hot ingots.  We would be lowered on a rack down into this dark, swirling heat with nothing but rising steam and smoke and dust. Like a deep sea diver, you’re breathing heated oxygen and you’d step off onto this concrete, heated floor and immediately your wooden shoes would start burning, and you’d start chipping away at the slag.  It was dark but you could see your shoes burning and the smoke rising from your shoes.



The 1960s were a great time to be alive and conscious of the world of art, music, and related goings on. Underground films, the art scene including “Pop Art,” “Fluxus,” and “Happenings” grabbed some of my interest, although I remained wary of just how and in what way they all related to the art I love.


Fluxus has been described: “…remains the most complex – and therefore widely underestimated – artistic movement (or ‘non-movement,’ as it called itself) of the early to mid-sixties . . .Fluxus saw no distinction between art and life, and believed that routine, banal, and everyday actions could be regarded as artistic events, declaring that ‘everything is art and everyone can do it.’ The preface to New York’s MOMA catalog of its exhibition: “Fluxus has been described as ‘the most radical and experimental art movement of the sixties’ and at the same time as ‘a wild goose chase into the zone of everything ephemeral.’ Such wildly different assessments testify to Fluxus’s resistance to pigeon holing and to its multifariousness.” George Maciunas is best known as the founder and central coordinator of Fluxus.

Maybe the most popularly-known artist in the field of “Happenings” and “Fluxus” was conceptual and performance artist, Yoko Ono. John Lennon once described how he and Yoko met at a 1961 gallery opening of her work:

Then I went up to this thing that said, ‘Hammer a nail in.’ I said, ‘Can I hammer a nail in?’ and she said no, because the gallery was actually opening the next day. So the owner, Dunbar, says, ‘Let him hammer a nail in.’ It was, ‘He’s a millionaire. He might buy it,’ you know.”

So there was this little conference and she finally said, “OK, you can hammer a nail in for five shillings.” So smart-ass here says, “Well, I’ll give you an imaginary five shillings and hammer an imaginary nail in.” And that’s when we really met. That’s when we locked eyes and she got it and I got it and that was it.

Yoko Ono was connected to this strange, dada-ist art movement called “Fluxus.” I went to an event on Long Island, at what I remember at an estate that the audience was bussed to–all I remember is that there was an empty swimming pool.  I went to an event in Manhattan’s SoHo, in which the “artists” strung string to the walls around the audience until they were as though enmeshed in a spider’s web. At the end, each audience member was given a small cardboard box full of broken sheetrock—presumably to have one closely observe the shapes into which the pieces were arbitrarily broken—object that were not worthy of thought and which were normally to trashed–yet every piece was different and thus, maybe worth a second look (!)

I’m not sure if this was a Fluxus event, a Happening, or a Fluxus Happening. Critic Susan Sontag in 1962, published her essay “Happenings: An Art of Radical Juxtaposition”: “There has appeared in New York recently a new, and still esoteric, genre of spectacle. At first sight apparently a cross between art exhibit and theatrical performance, these events have been given the modest and somewhat teasing name of ‘Happenings.’ They have taken place in lofts, small art galleries, backyards and small theaters before audiences averaging between thirty and one hundred persons….They do not take place on a stage conveniently understood, but in a dense object-clogged setting which may be made, assembled, or found, or all three. In this setting a number of participants, not actors perform movements and handle objects….The ‘Happening’ has no plot, though it is an action, or rather a series of actions and events.”

I believe it was here that I bought (for about $2.00 apiece), two “finger boxes,” paper-covered cardboard cubes about 4” X 4” X 4” with a slit on top and instructions to insert one’s finger—having no idea of what was inside. Mine each contains a piece of soft rubber foam. Penetrating the slotted opening and encountering the foam would seem like a man performing a digital sex act. I kept one box “virgin” for many years, then encountered that someone had surreptitiously violated it.

My two finger boxes are on the right (both signed).

(I quote from one of my favorite “rock” songs, a delightful put-on:

Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp,
Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?)



JEAN SHEPHERD What the Kid Stories are all About




TO REPEAT, plus more:

I’ve been posting my transcriptions of Shepherd’s kid stories for quite a while. I wonder how many realize (so long after I posted my manuscript’s introduction to this effect) that the stories are arranged in a chronology of his fictional life, including, in order: kindergarten, early grammar school, kid jobs, ham radio, high school, summer in steel mill–stories to come on dating (and will end with two stories of his college days). Thus, these stories are a logical sequence that will end with his understanding of the wider world beyond the Hammond of his childhood.

From my intro of the book manuscript:

Yet, just as his army stories can be arranged into a rather rough and ready sequence to present an almost continuous form, so his kid stories can be organized into groupings, a rough chronology according to phases of the life, not of “everyman,” but of “everykid.”  We find in the stories included here, a portrayal of Shepherd’s fictional alter ego advancing from early childhood toward adulthood, episodes which, through an ordered progression, compose a coming-of-age “novel” of sorts.  Jean Shepherd will go forth as an adult into the world beyond Hammond, Indiana after he recognizes his own wider possibilities.  Maybe this book is truly a novel?  A bildungsroman?

Manuscript Table of Contents Showing 9 of a Total 11 Parts in First 31 Chapters. NOTE THE CHRONOLOGY:


First Day Of Kindergarten

Left-handed Disability

Decayed Tooth, Balsa Wood, and Silly Putty


Welcome to the Library

Great Crashing Waves of Words


Erector Set and Tinker Toy

Atomizer—Ah-eeeek ah-eeeek!

Grab Bag Surprise


Selling Seeds, Door to Door to Door

Collecting Teeth

April Fooled


Dots and Dashes

The Light of My Life

Struck By Lightning

Forty Words Per Minute



Life as a Tuba Player

Halftime Sousaphone


Paperboy Skirmishes

Worm King of Cleveland Street

Fireworks and Unguentine


Disorganized Baseball

Crashing Picnics [KKK]

Pharmaceutical Adventure

Fixing the Old Man’s Car

Public Speaking—“Araya Yabaya Arayaa!”


Let Me Tell You About That First Day

Mailboy With Tornado

 The Soaking Pit

Rot-gut With Beer Chaser

Champion Rat Catcher



JEAN SHEPHERD more steel mill soaking pit

To begin with, the steel mill is not a simple mill.  It is composed of thousands of individual units—cells.  A city composed of thousands of neighborhoods, many of them totally different from the one that’s two blocks away.  A steel mill—the one I worked in was Inland Steel—covers an area probably the size of Trenton or bigger and it arched along the shore of Lake Michigan.

The way they continued to get more ground to build the steel mill was by filling in the Lake.  All the steel mills—Gary, Carnegie, are slowly moving towards Canada.  They’re filling up Lake Michigan.  There are long fingers sticking out in the Lake.  The tin mill is sticking way out there, a mile out in the Lake on a man-made peninsula, and when I was working with the labor gang, on my second night, at two o’clock in the morning, I saw stuff I never had seen from outside the mill.  You saw these long lines, like spidery, glowing centipedes moving out into the Lake on rails.  These strange little molten slag cars, all moving out to the dark sea.   And then they would almost disappear and you would see them stop way out in the Lake where the wind was howling in and the waves were getting higher.  Then they would dump these loads of molten slag—actually lava—pour it out and you’d hear the hiss and see the steam rise.  They’re building that lakefront out further and further.

It is always fantastically cold or unbelievably hot in the mill.  My first week in the mill I’m assigned to a labor gang in the forty-inch soaking pit.  Well, the forty-inch soaking pit is my idea of what Hell must be like.  It is Dante’s idea of Hell.  It is black and dusty and it is a long, high, metal shed that is so high you can’t see the ceiling, and moving through the darkness are moving cranes high above.  The scariest sound in the mill, the most dangerous sound is like that of an approaching shell if you’re a frontline combat soldier.  The sound of a moving overhead crane.  More guys are killed by overhead cranes then by any other thing in heavy industry.  Great cranes move along at tremendous speed and you hear the sound of the whistle that goes woop woop woop woop woop woop.  Everybody ducks and you see this crane moving along, and attached to the bottom would be this great metal clamp and a huge hook and tremendous, thick, glowing cables, and swinging from side to side like a massive pendulum would be a nine-or ten-ton, red hot pig-iron ingot, moving through the darkness.  Everybody’s waiting on the walls, waiting for this thing to go by.  And when it moves past you, maybe a hundred yards away, this thing is so hot you feel this blast of searing dry heat on the hairs of your face.


JEAN SHEPHERD Steel Mill Soaking Pit

I’ve been posting my transcriptions of Shepherd’s kid stories for quite a while. I wonder how many realize (so long after I posted my manuscript’s introduction to this effect) that the stories are arranged in a chronology of his fictional life, including, in order, kindergarten, early grammar school, kid jobs, ham radio, high school, summer in steel mill, to come on dating (and will end with two stories of his college days). Thus, these stories are a logical sequence that will end with his understanding of the wider world beyond the Hammond of his childhood.

 The Soaking Pit

The steel mill was like some giant mountain range and I was a kid and lived in a steel mill town.  The steel mill surrounded the town.  You could see it on the horizon.  And, you know, on a night like this, in the fall especially, when the air was clear, especially up in the north, the whole sky would be lit with a glow of purple, red, orange—the steel mill.

The underbody of the clouds would just flicker all the time, so it was never really dark there.  It was like the northern lights.  At this time of year, above the steel mill’s dark orange glow, you could see the occasional flicker of the real northern lights.  They moved and were kind of a ghost-like white, a strange bluish-purple.  At first you didn’t think you were seeing it.  It just moved.  And particularly at two or three o’clock in the morning you could see the northern lights, and anywhere from August through the middle of November was shooting star time.  So, with the glow of the steel mill, that dark orange purple glow and above it the flicker of the northern lights and then an occasional pshoooooo—there would be a shooting star.  And the eternal airplanes moving over the sky on their way into O’Hare Airport.  And the trains roaring past all night.  They’re carrying coke, carrying pig iron—and carrying all types of pigs out of Chicago.  Constantly.

That was the way it was and no other way.  You didn’t think in terms of waving fields of grain, you never thought in terms of moon over the Wabash.  This was Indiana, but not the Indiana they sing songs about.

The big ol’ steel mill.  And nobody who’s ever been inside the steel mill was ever the same once he’d been inside of it.  Almost anything you do, once you’ve actually done it, you can never think of it the way you used to think of it before you did it.  Everything changes.

One day, as a kid, I got this call.  I had applied at the mill for a job.  Like every other kid.  Best thing to do.  You applied.  And one day I came home from school and there was a note:  “Call this number.”  My mother said, “Somebody called and I think it was the steel mill.”

“The steel mill!”  It was fantastic luck, so I gave them a call and the next day I was down taking an examination, one of those long, involved aptitude-type things.  I took about fifty of them.

Weeks went by.  And then, one historic afternoon, I was given my clock pin, a pin you put on that says, from here on in you’ve got a clock number and you sign in.  I was officially hired as a laborer in the steel mill.  I had proven that I could carry stuff.  And I had a fantastic aptitude for scut and I showed great talent for moving large chunks of metal from one place to the other.  And my lungs were made of pure leather so I could breathe in the stygian atmosphere.  I got on the bus that day and I went out to the forty-inch soaking pits.


JEAN SHEPHERD Steel Mill, Mailboy, and Tornado

And I’m walking along.  The world is mine!  I’m pulsing, the ground is thundering because of the machinery, and all of a sudden I am aware of another sound!  I look around.  It sounds like a train coming!  I look around and there’s nothing on the tracks!  There is nobody around me, just me, these two buildings, the freight cars.  I look behind me.  There’s no train, but I could hear it.  It goes brrrrrrrrrrr—the sound of a freight train coming.  This roar, getting closer and closer and I’m looking around.

By this time, I’m no longer thinking of the chicks in the tin mill.  I’m wondering, what the hell is this train coming!  Brrrrrrrrrrr when suddenly the train comes roaring over the top of this building which is about seventy feet high to my right!  Aughrrrrrrrrr! 

And it’s a tornado!  One of these gigantic, funnel-shaped things and I’m looking right up the side of it!  Have you ever seen one of those things close up!  You can’t believe it!  The roof is ripping off!  Like pieces of paper!  Enormous chunks of roof just flying whushhhhhhhhh whushhhhhhhh whushhhhhhhh.  I see this great big high-tension tower slowly start to topple!  Right in front of my eyes!  Great shocks of electricity!  I see a transformer about the size of your average living room—enormous—it just falls straight down eeeeeeeeeeeeeubammmm!  It lands right on the top of a brand new Ford. Nothing but wheels sticking out the bottom of the transformer.  I hold on to the side of the freight car and all my mail just goes whisss—gone!

It’s all over in probably twenty seconds and I’m hanging to the side of the freight car.  I see the flames coming out from where the Ford is now on fire.  Chunks of the building have disappeared into the sky.  That great big funnel-shaped cloud moved on toward god-knows-where.  Nothing but devastation for miles around.

I rush into one of the offices.  Here are these guys sitting in these offices—drinking coffee!  I say, “The tornado!  The tornado!  It almost got me!”

These three guys look up and say, “What are you talking about?”  They didn’t even know that a tornado had passed within fifty yards of them, devastating the world!

I pick up a phone, I call my office, which is about two hundred yards from where this actually happened.  I say, “I lost all my mail!  The tornado hit!”

They say, “What are you talking about?  You nut!  What do you mean?  Did you loose your…?  What?”

I say, “My mail’s gone!  It almost got me!”

Nobody believes it was a tornado!  I was the only one who saw!  And out there the Ford burned, the transformer hissed, the building lay at a crooked angle, and I could hear the sound of a retreating cosmic freight train.  Going off into the distance.

I’ve never been the same since.  Never been the same!  Why do you think at moments of stress I suddenly whip up my jew’s harp and start playing some totally meaningless music?  Why?  A guy’s gotta keep the evil spirits away some way.  That sounds to me as good as any way.  It’s never been the same!

Some nights I lay in the sack and I can hear the sound of that approaching freight train.  I hang onto the edge of the building.  Imagine an enormous, uncontrolled tornado hitting the Pan Am Building.  Wipe out the whole top forty-five floors.  Carry the whole top of the building over to Trenton.  Yes, who knows what evil lurks in the heart of god-knows-what?  I’ve never been the same.  Now you know!

End of Steel Mill Tornado

And Have a Happy Halloween! 


JEAN SHEPHERD more steel mill mailboy & (136) ARTSY Jigsaw

So, I am walking along between these two buildings, the sun is shining, it was kind of a muggy, hot day—spring.  Summer’s coming on in a week or two.  It’s June and the juices are flowing.  Because the last stop on my mail route, which was just coming up—the last stop!  I had about fifteen different stops I would make on this run—it was the Tin Mill Assorting.

Sounds dull, doesn’t it?  Oh, no.  The Tin Mill Assorting was a big building that had about a thousand unbelievably sexy-looking chicks working in it.  And they worked under these blue lights, inspecting tin, and I don’t know what these blue lights did to them, but, I’ll tell you—a fantastic mammary effect.  It is like you were looking into some gigantic orgy right out of Hieronymus Bosch with all the lights and the thousand chicks flapping this tin around and the tin is flashing and I could hardly wait every day to get to the tin mill, just to walk around and look at those incredible chicks.

I figure that one day I would cut one out of the herd.  Maybe cut four or five of them out of the herd when I get my car.  Drinking the beer, going bowling, all that stuff, taking this chick named Josephine out—something like that.  I’m thinking about this.  And I’m filled with the ecstasy of existence.  The ecstasy of life.  Like a human, walking, cake of yeast.  Pulsating.  The glands all open, my pores all open, I could feel everything happening around me, my feelers moving out ready to grasp and devour life as though it is an enormous blueberry pie!  In fact, I’m devouring, I’m picking my teeth!

I’m walking along with my sack of mail.  I’m walking between two big buildings made out of corrugated iron.  This is a mill.  And the one off to the right is boomboomboomboom, the fourteen-inch Merchant Mill.  Tremendous mill about a mile long.  And off to my left is the Number 4 Rail Mill bomb bomb bomb bomb, machinery going, they’re making rails!  I’m walking between these two buildings separated by no more than about forty feet, with nothing but gravel, railroad tracks, and these tremendous freight cars.  I’m walking along the freight cars.

Directly ahead of me, I can see the scene now, is an opening at the end of these buildings where the shipping docks were and there were two tremendous high-tension towers.  Enormous ones about a hundred feet high.  Great big steel structures with great wires hanging off of them and there were tanks all around there.  Some trucks parked.  And I’m walking toward this—bomb bomb bomb bomb to my left boom boom boom boom boom off to my right.  And I’m thinking of these girls under the blue light that I’m going to see any minute now.  The excitement.  Nothing like sexual excitement to get you going in your job.




Jigsaw puzzles are a kind of mental thumb twiddling. I remember when I used to do them. Probably as a pre-teenager. One adult day I wondered what one might do to play with the basic form. I did several jigsaw variations I no longer have. Then I discovered some five-by-seven plain white ones on which one was to draw or paint one’s own picture, then separate it into its pieces. I didn’t do that, but, being obsessed with radio raconteur Jean Shepherd and the so-far undiscovered stash of overnight broadcasts of his that would reveal his earliest New York long-form improvisations–that would also include those during which he created the hoax regarding a non-existent book, I, Libertine, by the non-existent novelist, Frederick R. Ewing–I realized that using the jigsaw format, I could create covers for the audios that I hoped would one day surface.

These mysteriously, not-yet-emerged recordings, somehow had the aura of an enigma. (The original title of my book on Shepherd had been Excelsior, You Fathead! The Art of Jean Shepherd, but before publication, I’d realized that parts of his multi-faceted genius and sometimes strangely antisocial personality (despite his mentoring and encouraging many thousands of listeners) deserved the more intriguing subtitle, The Art and Enigma of Jean Shepherd. Somehow, the jigsaw puzzle format—working to put the parts of the puzzle of Shepherd together–seemed appropriate for the yet-to-be-discovered audios.

Proposed Boxed Sets for

Maybe Lost-Forever Audios.

Puzzling and infuriating, ain’t it?

•    •    •

Even before my use of jigsaws for the Shepherd audios, one day in my early artsy fartsy phase, somehow I got interested in what one might do with the form of the puzzle. I don’t remember how I discovered this, but, looking at a display of them for sale, I found that jigsaw manufacturers, instead of making a new cutting-die to stamp out the pieces for every puzzle they produced, sometimes, for what I assume is a good cost-cutting (note pun) device, use the same die for more than one image of the same dimensions.

I began looking for two images that used the same cutting die, and that, in their combined picture, would have some amusing result if they were intermixed to create a surrealistic effect. I discovered two that worked for me. (What’s not very clear as reproduced here, is that this early morning hunting scene shows to the right of the surfer, a man in a boat, (with duck decoys floating nearby–one between the surfer and the hunter), serenely awaiting live ducks to fly unsuspectingly overhead.) I don’t know if I ever came up with a title for this piece. Or maybe something much better than the one I’m using here.





JEAN SHEPHERD –Steel Mill mail boy & (135) ARTSY more bulls

THE STEEL MILL and its Dangers

This was all out in the open, this was not running around in big office buildings like carrying the mail over at the Lever Building or Seagram Building.  This was in the big steel mill.  The steel mill covers about five miles.  Tremendous thing.  Sticks out in the Lake.

One day, a nice day, I’ve been working now for about two or three weeks, and I feel that I’ve got the world right there where I want it.  I’ve got this money coming in and I’m going to own this Ford one day very shortly and then Schwartz and Flick are gonna be sorry for what they said to me about it.  I’ll have this car, I’m going to do this whole thing.  You know this feeling of exhilaration in your head, sometimes?  You know that feeling like everything’s working groovy?  It’s an exciting feeling!  Your head starts to blow with all this great feeling!

I’m running down between two big buildings and it’s at that moment—this is when you’re most vulnerable.  It’s at that moment, when you think that everything is working great—that the great, giant, enormous, fantastic iron fist is clenched in the sky.  And it’s getting ready to squash you like the smallest cockroach that ever walked around under the sink.

That’s the time of extreme danger.  Anyone will tell you, if you ever live in a jungle, when you think everything’s working great, that’s the time you’re being stalked by a saber-toothed tiger.  It’s only when you’re worried that you have a comparative chance of surviving.  So stay in there and stick with that worrying, friend.  That’s the best thing that could happen to you.  It’ll keep you alive.  Any guy who’s worried never dies.  A worried man does not have time to die.  You notice that guys, as soon as they retire, kick off?  Well, that’s because Mr. Bullard has stopped biting him in the vital regions—which has kept him alive.




Anti-bullfight diatribes I’ve seen (by Cleveland Amory, etc.) inevitably have crucial errors. For example, the anonymous writer of the description on the back of the above flyer says, “…bulls, all especially bred and trained for fighting….” Actually, no fighting bull has ever been trained–not for a second.

A fair dialog for and against bullfighting would be worth having, but I’ve never heard any. Bulls are killed after being injured and goaded for a maximum of twenty minutes, under strictly limited and ritually controlled circumstances. But, for me, that is far from the end of the discussion. It is not a sport or a contest—we don’t go to see “Oedipus Rex” or “Hamlet” to find out who wins—we go to have a cathartic experience (which, admittedly, happens about as frequently at a bullfight as it does for a knowledgeable opera lover at the Met.) A few well-known people who have been aficionados are Hemingway, Orson Welles, James Michener, and English/American theater critic Kenneth Tynan. When performed by a good matador on a good day, it is a dance of life and death, with courage, esthetic ability, and skill, faced with potential defeat of the matador’s honor and his life.

On Sunday, 6/13/1971, flyers shown above and anti-bullfighting signs on sticks greeted me and others approaching Madison Square Garden for what was exaggeratedly advertised as the “Bullfight of the Century.” No words or gestures passed between the protestors and me that day, but, years later on a kind of blind date (preceded by a telephone conversation I describe as “having fallen in love at first phone call”)–neither of us being aware of the earlier possible encounter–I meet Allison, who had been one of those sign-carrying protesters fifteen-years-earlier. A decade-and-a-half after that possible encounter  in 1971, (and a year after our first date), we married–happily now, for over thirty years.

(I haven’t seen a bullfight in over 35 years.

I keep my books on Spain and the bulls in a dark,

low corner of my study. We never talk about bullfighting.)


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