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JEAN SHEPHERD–“THE BEST OF” & (30) ARTSY Guitar

I recently noted an LP record titled  “The Best of Jean Shepard.”

So I thought, why not a “Best of Jean Shepherd.”

This proves to be a difficult task to compile, in part because there are so many audios of his broadcasts and so many published stories and other works. My memory is deteriorating and I can’t listen to and reread all his published work. I’d appreciate suggestions about what to add to my list, including sources/dates and reasons for the choices.

As a representative selection for possible inclusion with my EYF! (which never happened–it was nixed by the publisher as too expensive) and for eventual distribution as a premium for WBAI, I compiled a CD-worth of excerpts from Shep programs.

RADIO

Assume that, as a given, I choose the broadcasts below because I feel or assume they are well-told besides having the particular attributes that especially gab me.

I, Libertine,.First comments and suggestion of a hoax. (4 ?/??/1956) One of the great “Holy Grail” Shepherd broadcasts. I have not heard it but I have thought about it and read little bits about it so often that it is a permanent part of my “memory,” and it must be one of the great moments in literary and shepherdian history.

March on Washington. Narrative told the day after the March. (8/29/1963) Shepherd describes his trip, not as a reporter, but as just another American. This conforms to his attitude as an informed and enthusiastic American patriot.

JFK Assassination. First day back on the air. (11/26/1963) Shepherd, from time to time, had described his feelings about psychological issues in America, and he takes this opportunity to reiterate some of them and link them to the assassination.

“Blues I Love to Sing.” Program I describe and partly transcribe in EYF! (6/16/1957) Shepherd interacts with the singer on the record and expresses his joy in the narrative situation he depicts. This but a ten minute portion of the four-hour program. He uses what is a familiar image from his earlier days of the “figure tattered and torn.”

“Why I am Such a Sorehead.” Discusses Mark Twain and Morse code–I describe in EYF! (1/6/1965) He integrates into his narration, Twain, one of his favorite predecessors. He develops the metaphor of the Mississippi as a dangerous path in life, and relates it to one of his favorite activities, Morse code, suggesting that we all have some activity that, in reality, we are not as good at as we think and hope we are.

“Shermy the Wormy.” My transcription in Shep’s Army. (9/4/1964)

“Fourth of July in the Army.” My transcription in Shep’s Army. (7/3/1963)

“Lister Bag Attack.” My transcription in Shep’s Army. (6/17/1966)

“Boredom Erupts.” My transcription in Shep’s Army. (9/18/1969)

“Private Sanderson.” My transcription in Shep’s Army. (1/13/1971)

“Naked Baseball in the Army.” Told on the air, published in Playboy.

“Troop Train Ernie.” Told on the air, published in Shep’s A Fistful of Fig Newtons as

“The Marathon Run Of Lonesome Ernie, The Arkansas Traveler”

“Og and Charlie.” He told stories several times about these two cave-man-type-near-humans. They were a good metaphor for how Shep felt that humanity still was–not quite the mentally/emotionally advanced race we think we are.

Peru–The whole group of programs focusing on his trip, from how it came about to when he got home to contemplate the experience. At the time, he felt it was the best travel experience he’d ever had.

In addition to all of the above, one must add some of the innumerable bits and pieces of his delightful and cuckoo musical interludes on his silly little instruments–including on his sometimes silly head.

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artsyfratsy 10010

(30) GUITAR

I made my own classical guitar. I’m fascinated by how the shape/formation of objects combine form with function. (It’s my design training still influencing me after all these years.) How does the form of a guitar contribute to its sound? Encountering a two-semester, adult evening class in constructing (not from a “kit”) a classical guitar from the raw materials one buys in a shop that supplies such to professionals, I took the course.
guitar head drawingguotar 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I kept notes and I took photos. Two parts of the classical guitar that might vary are the shape of the head and the luthier’s (guitar-maker’s) choice of how to configure the inside structural supports for the top of the body. I designed a simple, classical head, and chose internal struts for the body’s top that I thought would enforce high notes on the higher strings, and lower tones for the lower strings. I redrew all the instruction pages for the instructor’s future use–the upper left  of the head is one of my pages.

eb guitar rosette0002

An eb element of the rosette

around the sound hole.

I also designed and made the wooden rosette with my eb initials, and designed and installed my label.

label,rosetteguitar work 2

While I was peacefully working on my guitar construction, my then-wife, from Granada, Spain, threatened me with a kitchen carving knife and I grabbed and rolled up for protection, my Sunday New York Times Arts Section (Yes, the Arts Section–it was the closest at hand), and that’s as far as I’ll take that true story. Except that I did incorporate the episode into my fact/fiction unpublished novel, The Pomegranate Conspiracy.

I completed my guitar at the end of the course, and practiced playing, struggling

for several unsuccessful years. Now my guitar is hung on a wall.

20160609_133021 (4)

I love classical guitars and guitar music. I also like looking at Picasso’s guitar collages. So much so that I played around with one of his collage reproductions. First, with a color copier that scans one color at a time, I let it scan the first colors, then slightly shifted the original for the scanning of the black. Then I printed it and applied black-and-white photo prints of the underneath side of my guitar top, half on each side, with, in the middle, a photo of myself playing my newly completed guitar. One might title it:

“The Picasso/Bergmann Guitar Collage.”

Picasso guitar collage and eb (2)

I’m Conflicted About This Artsy Of Mine.

Is it a witty, clever, personal homage to an artist I greatly admire,

done by manipulating one of his works

(that he had first made by manipulating and reconstructing stuff),

or is it a fartsy, esthetic travesty for which I should be ashamed?

→  It is a unique collaged collage  

Would Picasso have liked it? *

ARTSY ARROWS0010

         *Picasso “Guitar” original for comparison. guitar collage (3) 

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JEAN SHEPHERD Travel: The Last Time I Saw Paris Part 2

 • • • •  •  •  •  •

 FRENCH FARCE. Part 2=LE RIOT. 

 • • • •  •  •  •  •

map-paris

About ten minutes later we are now out in the night again, and fifteen minutes later we’re in the middle of St. Germain des pres.  Wow, has this taken off!  We are surging down a tiny street and we’re in the middle of a gigantic teen-age riot.  I’m in a genuine riot.  You keep hearing about teen-age riots?  It’s a nameless, formless riot.  The riots most of us are used to are riots with a purpose.  This particular indignity or this particular civil right, this particular thing.  And I was right there when it started.  Right at the minute it started—in the middle of this thing.  And we are surging down this narrow street and through it there are about seventy-five guys driving Renaults, Fiats, a guy with a Ferrari who looks like an Arabian prince on his night out and he’s with this nine-year-old girl and the people are jumping on the hoods and there are kids running around, all of them looking vaguely alike—it’s very difficult.  If you think we’re having trouble here, it is almost totally impossible to tell a French male from a French female if they’re under eighteen.  Impossible!  You can get yourself into some very embarrassing situations in France.  So here they are surging, yelling.  And I’m in the middle of this with the French count and I say, “How the hell did I get myself in this?”

I’m with a count, with Felipe and Girard, and now Girard is beginning to get very angry at the Corsican because now it’s getting a little late and he wants to take his wife home and he realizes the hobby has gone far enough now.  You sense any minute now that violence is going to break out in our own little crowd, and we are looking for our car which we have lost, and we are surging down through this little street when suddenly somebody starts yelling from an upper story window.  He pears out and I think, what’s going to happen?

The crowd looks up and this guy has a great big pan full of hot water.  Shoooom!  Down it comes on the crowd and it lands all over me and about forty-five other guys, and instantly there’s a riot.

riot in psris 5.1968

Paris riot, May, 1968

Instantly it starts to go and I hear windows crashing in and I hear that sound—have you ever been in the middle of a rolling, senseless violence?  That sound—you hear that Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  and you see guys jumping up with that wild-eyed look and everybody’s in a nutty way when that happens.  There’s always one group of people who enjoys it wildly and they begin to lash out, they begin to grab chicks, and you hear windows crashing and you hear AHOOAHOOAHOOAHOOAHOO, the French gendarme approaching with that really frightening riot car.  They have about three different types of cars but they have one kind of horn that goes AHOOAHOOAHOOAHOOAHOO It just goes insanely, and the lights are flashing and the gendarmes rush out and we surge down the street in the direction of our car and my coat is wet and I’ve been wounded in action—the whole business—and Girard’s coat has been torn and you see this wild, moiling gang of teenagers leaping up and down on the hood of a Jaguar—a beautiful XKE that is being destroyed by the mob.  Some poor guy had left his car parked up on the sidewalk, you know how they do in the middle of the great big Saturday night scene in places like the Village and places like the Left Bank and these kids are jumping up and down on the hood and the policemen are coming.  Oh, that poor guy.  And I can hear AHOOAHOOAHOOAHOOAHOO, wild screaming French imprecations, and now all the people in the apartments above us begin to pour stuff down on the streets.

 • • • •  •  •  •  •

Five minutes later we’re back in the car and we’re heading for the apartment after our wild night.  After our night in “Le Drugstore,” “Paris 2,” the riot, and we are heading back towards the apartment and what is left of the cold chicken.

And with that, Reno turns to me and he says, “Of course zis kind of scene, zis never happened till the American was here.”  And I didn’t see an American face anywhere.  All those French faces, you know, yelling and screaming and breaking the windows.  He says, “Zis did not happen until the American was here.”

I say, “Well, I guess it didn’t happen till I showed up tonight.  Probably true.”  And I bow down and I realize that the life of the American in 1966 ain’t easy.

I could see the lights in the sky as the kids were burning down the town, and the Eifel Tower was toppling, and we drove back toward that quiet apartment.  Tomorrow night I’ll tell you the story of the French desert and the hang up that all the French have, and what they think of as the American Wild West.

I don’t know why people pay money to go to Disneyland when there’s nothing in Disneyland that even remotely approaches real life—for fantasy, for ecstasy, for passion, for exoticism, for eroticism—the whole long line, the whole plastic scene of the mid-1960s.  “Zis is zee American hippy approach, you know.”

[ “The last time I saw Paris, her heart was warm and gay,

No matter how they change her,

I’ll remember her that way.”

–by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II, 1940.]

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JEAN SHEPHERD Travel: The Last Time I Saw Paris Part 1

Although there is no ultimate answer to the question of veracity in Jean Shepherd’s travel tales, I believe that they mostly conform to his style of telling the truth about what happens during his trips.  I believe that what he relates really happens as he broadcasts them.  Yet, one occasionally comes across an incident such as this one in Paris.  The narrative seems more formal and well-honed than most of those in which he tells us of his adventures.  He probably worked on the outline and at least some of the details to a good extent before he improvised it on the radio.  It certainly must conform to his attitudes about the French.  Near the beginning he insists: “This is a true story,” and maybe, indeed, it is, down to the last detail. 

 • • • •  •  •  •  •

 FRENCH FARCE. Part 1=LE DRUGSTORE. 

 • • • •  •  •  •  •

All right now, look.  Let’s set the scene.  Have you ever in your life just—oh, it maybe happens two or three times in a guy’s life where he is suddenly plunged into what could be described as a peculiar inverted-fantasy-nightmare-impenetrable scene—that looks like something that he has seen before—or imagined before—or dismissed before—that he can’t believe it.

Now listen carefully.  Here’s the scene now.  This is a true story.  I’m not going to give you any preface as to how this happened, because how it happened is too long and that would take four more quarto volumes to get into it.  Because these scenes—it doesn’t matter how it happened.  It happened.

Here you see me, your old friend—me.  Here you see me, and I am sitting on the floor of an apartment in the heart of Paris.  I am sitting on the floor, scrunched down, and we are all gathered around a low marble coffee table that looks like it is at least four-hundred years old.  And on the walls there are ancient, stained prints.  It is an apartment of almost exquisite sensibility.  Of almost painful civilization.  It is the kind of apartment where you feel that the taste is so muted and so quiet, so casually calculated, and yet so long-drawn-out in an infinite number of mirrored walls and years that go back to perhaps the beginnings of the French people, that one does not question.  A terrazzo floor.  And I am sitting down with my knees cracking.

The first thing you begin to notice about the truly civilized Frenchmen is they’re little.  They are little people.  Have you noticed this?  Little, natty people.  Their suits are all kind of cut in at the waist, with little, thin pants, and they wear sparkling white shirts and little thin ties.  And all of their hair is very thin on the top.  I’ve noticed this among hundreds of the truly—you might say—the end-line of decadent families.  And I am sitting down on this terrazzo floor and I am slowly spooning Iranian caviar, a dark, gray, succulent caviar, on thin French bread.  I am squeezing the lemon on it.  And I’m with a group of people who are total strangers to me.

• • • •  •  •  •  •

Finally, the man who has brought me here, who is a young French count, arises.  It is his apartment, which is perhaps only a spit-and-a-half distance from the Arc de Triumph.  Right in the heart of Maurice Chevalier country.  He gets up and moves to the record player and a moment or two later we begin to hear the sound of Spanish guitar music filling the apartment.  My friend Reno has put on his record player—his Columbia 360 Record Player.

And sitting across from him in this little soiree is his wife, Felice, and next to her is Gerard.  Gerard, a tall, thin, ascetic, a kind of epitome of French taste.  A young up-and-coming avant-garde, and yet, with-touches-of-the-gothic, interior decorator and architect from the Sorbonne.  And next to him—next to him is his wife, Colette.  O la la—Colette!  Colette, the epitome of the French girl, of the true—let us say, zee sexy de le maison, ho ho!  The sexy lady of the house.

And next to her is a Corsican.  A tall, thin, languid Corsican named Felipe.  Felipe, who, I have discovered, listening to their involved, subtle, beautifully muted French conversation—Felipe has traveled all the way up from Corsica, his home, to spend three days in an attempt to see if he can make any time with Colette, who is the wife of Gerard, the young architect.  And sitting next to me is Reno, the husband of the family.  And suddenly I find myself in the middle of a deep de Maupassant short story.  The subtle interplay of sexual inference.  And, by the way, the French are exceedingly—particularly if you get high enough up in certain circles—very graphic.  Very graphic in their stories.  And I am sitting in the middle of all this, attempting to grab ahold of it, attempting to somehow be part of this swirling scene right out of a bad French farce.

Robert (Henry McNulty is beginning to sense some awkwardness in the Apartmen.

French Farce?

And I begin to realize that these French farces are not really French farces.  That is the way the French really are!  I couldn’t believe it!

And all night long the Corsican sits attempting to make time with Colette.  They nuzzle, he nibbles her ear, and all the while Gerald, her husband, pays not the slightest attention.  “It is just Colette’s little game.”  Later he says that to me: “It is just Colette’s little game.  I cannot take her from her hobby.”

I say, “Her hobby?”

“Everyone has his hobby.  She has hers, I have mine.”

I have never felt more like a man from the Great Frontier Plains than I felt that night.  This quiet, muted little interplay of subtle nuance, and all the while I sat, hairy, kind of big, a kind of bulking—and I’m not a big bulking man!  But in this company I was a big, bulking, hairy man.  I felt somehow that I had been transmuted into King Kong among the Lilliputians among these little Napoleonic prints hanging on the wall.

About ten minutes after the last smidgeon of caviar had disappeared and the first bite of cold chicken was beginning to be enjoyed by the company with a little French bread and a subtle Alsatian wine, the company began to warm to its task of civilized interplay.  The intercourse of subtle minds.

Now, you get the scene.  This was in Paris.

map-paris

This is Paris

I had been in Paris many times, but I had rarely been in Paris the way I was two weeks ago.  You’ve heard a lot about Paris.  So many people talk about Paris.  There are more movies about Paris, and they’re all clichés, I find.  Just like the movie about New York is always a cliché.  You always have the scene of the Empire State Building, but they never show you the Grand Concourse in the movie.  And whenever they make a movie, somehow Queens is left out.  They never include Flushing as part of New York.  Well, that was the beginning of a weekend, the likes of which I have never spent anywhere, in any foreign country.  Really.  Because I began to see the American against the backdrop of an older civilization—I don’t want to be pompous about it—that was alternately jealous of the new civilization, and resentful of that new civilization.  And at the same time, embracing that new civilization.

• • • •  •  •  •  •

And so, we had finished za last beet of chicken, the little poulet.  After we had sipped the last Alsatian wine, vin ordinaire, we are out on the dark streets of Paris, whistling through the night in two French automobiles of particular anger, whistling through the darkness on our way toward what Reno describes to me—he says, “I wish to show you some  of za life Americane.  Za American life is very heep and we Paresians have many things which are very much like the American!  And I wish to show you zat.”

I want to see what they consider “an American life.”

He says, “How would you like to go to zee drugstore?”

I say, “The drugstore?”  It never would occur to me in America to say to my friends, “How about going to the drugstore with me?”

He says, “The American drugstore.”  Always around everything he says is a kind of vague tongue-in-cheek putting down: “Zis is American, American life.  Of course we don’t take it seriously, you see.  It is a ball, however.”

• • • •  •  •  •  •

Do any of you know what is current right now, the big topic of conversation, the big topic of conversation in Paris, and, indeed, all of France.  I mean other than anything political—what everybody really is talking about?  Wherever you go, in a cocktail party you hear this, wherever six people gather to wait for a bus somebody will mention it.  You ride down a great boulevard or you’re at the Place de la Concorde, everywhere, you see great posters talking about this in spectacular colors, magnificent designs.

And he says to me, “I shall take you tonight to show it to you.”  So we head out into the French countryside to see what the French consider part of the American way of life.  And it really is about as American as, let’s say, as an average weekend on Mars would be like.  You know what I found, in my world travels, for what it’s worth?  That anything that the people in the neighborhood in any country—wherever you go—whenever I’ve gone—whatever they relate to modernity, whatever is modern—and they vaguely don’t like it, they ascribe to America.  Even if there’s nothing at all in America remotely like this.  Whatever a Frenchman does not like about the new France, he says, “Is American.”  It’s their own brand of twentieth-century insanity.  Somehow, the world has discovered a fantastic scapegoat.  That if kids break the windows along a string of shops: “Zat is because zey have seen zee American movie.  Zey are attempting to be like heep—zee American Beatnik.” And yet whatever they like they ascribe, of course, to themselves.

So we go whistling out into the dark.  I’m having a fantastic time because immediately I begin to dig them, they begin to dig me, and they begin to open up to me.  One of the worst insults as an American—at least to me—is when they turn to you and say, “Oh, yes, but of course you are not zee ordinary American.”  Somehow implying of course, that all Americans are slobs and idiots, fools, and naves, but “You are zee different one.” 

On the other hand I then begin to do the opposite to them.  I say to Reno, “But of course you are not the average Frenchman.  The average Frenchman, he spit on the street, he throws the beer can out on Place de la Concorde, he drives like he is an idiot, he steals the antenna right off the Fiat, he is a slob, he knows nothing of politics of course.”  Ohhh, he is purple!  Because I’m giving back to him what he’s giving to me.  And there is a kind of funny silence because they’re not used to getting it back in their own terms.

• • • •  •  •  •  •

So we’re whistling out through the night and we are going in the direction of “Paris 2,” which is the number one conversation subject in Paris.  Now, what is “Paris 2”?  It’s hard to explain it because there isn’t really much of a parallel to it in America, even though in Paris there is the myth going around that it is an American idea.

It’s way out in the French countryside somewhere.  We drove up and down through lanes past little villages, through tiny streets with walled houses until suddenly, on a hillside, there it was, “Paris 2.” As we drew closer to it, it looked like we were approaching Disneyland.  A kind of Disneyland.  How can I describe “Paris 2”?  I will begin to say that they think that it’s an American housing project.  What they call luxury American housing, the kind where you buy an apartment.  But actually when you get close to it—I’ve never seen anything in America remotely like it.

“Paris 2,” believe me, is really controversial in France.  A group of French builders have built this fantastic cooperative housing project just outside of Paris and they sold eleven-hundred apartments when it opened the week before I arrived.  This peculiar, strange-looking, other-world, vaguely fairyland, vaguely Howard Johnson, vaguely Texas place.  That has no relationship to anything I ever saw in America, even though I may be describing it in American terms.  And yet everybody in France believes firmly that “This is one of them American ideas.  Very bad.”  I couldn’t explain it to these people—this isn’t American!

At this point I’m really having a wild time.  I’m really enjoying myself because the people I’m with are beginning to warm up. Gerard is beginning to feel his Alsatian wine, and Colette is beginning to tell dirty jokes in French, and Felipe is beginning to feel his oats, and Felice is having her fun, and Reno is nervous with me—he is supposed to be showing the better side of France and now they were all drunk.  Oh, we were having a wild time.  So Reno says to me, “We should go to the drugstore.”

lrg_le_drugstore_publicis_444569109

[There are several “le drugstores” in and around Paris.

This is the one on the Champs Elysees.]

I said, “The drugstore.”  It never occurred to me to go out on a big night on the town and go to the drugstore.  Now get this—this is the country, friends, way out in the country, the equivalent of being somewhere near Flemington, New Jersey.  There’s nothing.  But right in the center of “Paris 2,” the hub of this establishment, on the hillside, is this thing!  It looks like a sort of big mushroom all lit up.

Fantastic lights all the way around.  Inside of it there must be a thousand light bulbs hanging at all different angles.  It is lit inside like a stage set.  Yellow, green, purple, mauve, amber spots all over the place.  There it is, sitting on the hillside.  Big thing.  Must be the size of a football field.  I can’t figure out what it is.  He says, “This is the drugstore.”

We drive closer, a big cloverleaf in front of it and a giant parking lot.  The place is mobbed with people, all sitting at different levels in big, plush, white, round booths that are like nightclub “conversation pits.”  Gigantic things, white and puffy and sort of 1933-Jean Harlow style.  Fluffy boudoir sort of things, all kind of very feminine, by the way.

Inside of this place are all kind of little shops—cashmere sweaters, very expensive perfumes and things.  But they have absolutely no pharmacy or drugs anywhere.  The drugstore in Paris has done away with drugs.  You cannot buy any.  I say to myself, “I’ll buy some razor blades.”  Forget it.  This is not a drugstore.  It’s just called a drugstore.

And all the lights and the place is just blaring—it’s throbbing with rock and roll—dungadungadungadungadungadunga—and everyone is quietly sitting, nobody is dancing.  It’s not a discotheque.  They’re all in these conversation pits.  French waiters are hurrying back and forth and up and down bringing frozen oranges and they’re bringing pressed duck and they’re bringing all kinds of magnificent food and ice cream and the whole business.

I’ve never seen anything in my life like this and we sit down in this thing and Girard turns to me. Girard the architect.  And he says, “This is the sort of thing which I think has made the American not very well liked anywhere.  Zis kind of American thing we have here.”  He says, “Zis is fun to go to, but zis not French!”

I say, “This is not French?  Are you kidding me!  French?  I don’t know what it is, Girard, but it ain’t American.”

He says, “Ah, come on, this is American.  American drugstore.”

I say, “No!  This is not like Liggett’s, This ain’t like Walgreens.  This is like no drugstore.  I’ve been in drugstores out on the Coast.  I’ve been in Schwab’s in Hollywood.  Nothing like this!  There is nothing remotely like this.”

We spent the evening in The Drugstore.  Isn’t it fantastic how the American is blamed all over the world and he doesn’t have anything to do with it?  It doesn’t do any good to deny it.  You just might as well go along with it and pretend like, “You think this is a drugstore, you should see the drugstore at home!  Ohooo!  Zis is nothing compared to what we have!  Ohooo.  We have zee drugstore that covers fifteen or seventeen or twenty blocks, we have seven-story drugstores.  And I’m sitting in the middle of this, one of those wild nightmare nights, and I’m eating a mocha sundae, trying to pretend like this is my scene, this drugstore scene.

 • • • •  •  •  •  •

Fin

Part 1.

Stay tuned for

 “FRENCH FARCE. Part 2=LE RIOT “

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